Milkshakes

6 Apr

Allie has been gone all week to my mother’s in Florida.  It has really made me wonder what in the hell I ever did with my time before I had her.  I guess I did teenagery things since I was nineteen when I got pregnant.  I would have guessed I would have spent my week off of parenting doing way more exciting things. However, it’s been very structured.  Very adult.  Very boring, really. 

The older I get, the less judgmental I attempt to be. I would like to think I’m not at all judgmental, but I would also like to think I’m a really good singer.  Neither of these are true, that’s why you’ve see my videos and illegally downloaded my music, because my voice is so beautiful. Heh.  Anyway, I think no matter what, there are some things I will always judge people for: 

  • People that sing Kelis songs with conviction. Your milkshake brings no one to the farm, especially if it is a Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s. 
  • Parents that do not raise their own children.  I don’t mean those that give them up for adoption.  I mean those that dump them off on someone else while they party like a rockstar, and by rockstar, I mean redneck meth head.
  • Someone who is always complaining about something or requires some sort of drama to thrive in life.  It’s nice to be happy and not making a big deal out of issues every day.  Every one should try it. 

That’s really all I have.  Nothing else is coming to mind and all the rest of the things that I judge people for, I’m likely guilty of, so it doesn’t seem appropriate to list them. 

Bon Jovi Cassettes

26 Mar

  When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and own a cassette tape store.  I would play for hours with all of my mother’s cassette tapes.  I would build towers out of Whitney Houston, Bon Jovi, Journey, etc. My store would be lined with various cassettes and the walls would be adorned with Guns N Roses and New Kids posters.  Technology obviously killed my childhood dream, as it would be difficult to convince people they should purchase cassette tapes for their iPods.

  When I was in middle school and until about two or three years ago, I wanted to write novels.  After I graduated from college, I did freelance writing from home and  in that time, lost any desire I ever had to profit from words. Something about churning out articles for dollars made me feel icky; like when you hear a song you think you might like then find out it is actually a Nickelback song, making it impossible for you to like it without losing all respect for yourself.   When I did try to work on actual writing ideas I had, I had no motivation because I had spent large portions of my day finding whimsical ways to describe products for children. Then I spent the rest of the day trying to promote those articles for enough clicks to make bonuses that made it worth my time. 

Today, while it was sunny outside, I spent the day studying so that one day I can argue with people that are infected with viruses about why they don’t need antibiotics, and why unnecessary antibiotics can be harmful. So much studying for a future filled with small arguments. 

I really wish cassette tapes were still around. I’m convinced if I had the chance to sling cassette tapes rather than study my life away, I would be super happy on this Sunday evening. 

Love and Other Cheeses

19 Mar

  When I started blogging again, I thought I would put in a good faith effort.  I was wrong, but what’s new?  I’m no stranger to being incorrect. But the thing is, I’ve always done my best writing when my brain was festering with mixed feelings and the inability to communicate with the spoken word.  Lately, I’m rocking communication with the spoken word, and I am happy.  

  I guess I don’t know what to write about.  No one wants to hear about how happy my boyfriend makes me.  How nice it is to be completely thrilled with the companionship of another human being; how nice it is to truly love someone.  Until I was 26, I was almost certain that being inexplicably happy was a myth. I think I was just looking and looming in all of the wrong places, like a bad country song.  It turns out it just takes the right person.  It just takes another adult who understands adult responsibilities, adult happiness, and an adult who wants to make things work.  Someone that wants to make you laugh and enjoys laughing at/wish you as well. Someone who seems perfect for you. Someone whose shoulder you can’t wait to rest your head on at the end of a long day.

 If you had asked me a year or two ago if I believe in two people being perfect for each other, I probably would have resisted punching  you in the face.  Mostly because that would seem like a terrible question to ask of me. I was a professional in regards to cynicism regarding love and finding your person. 

 But I’m getting used to this happiness business.  In the beginning, I was very scared.  It’s terrifying to make yourself vulnerable to something you’ve never truly given free will to believe in.  I’m over being scared, and I’ve committed myself to taking the plunge to ride this out. 

Misery loves company.  I’m finding that my miserable friends find me a lot less entertaining now that I’m not knocking around with anger and pessimism in regard to the being happy with my life. I can see that perhaps I was more entertaining to them when I had loads of hateful things to say at any opportunity in regard to others.  But me, well, I’m glad I’m not miserable. This whole being content thing, I feel I can rock it dutifully. 

If the sap in this made you puke, it’s okay.  Sap still makes me puke at times too.  I’m just glad I can believe in it.  If the title tricked you into reading this, I also apologize.  I mentioned no cheese.  But I do love cheese:  Gouda, Feta, Swiss, Colby.  There’s your cheese, fools. 

Allie’s 7th Birthday Letter

17 Mar

Dear Allie, 

  You turned seven nearly two weeks ago.  I would insert my excuse for this letter being late; however, by the time you are old enough to care to read it,  you’ll probably understand that sometimes I have a million things to do and I get a little forgetful.  Not that I forgot to write this, but I slacked a bit on making time.  Anyway, here it is now.  

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   This year and every year I’m amazed at how much personality you have.  It just keeps developing, and you seem to always be able to use it to maneuver through any situation.  You are so bright and kind.  You laugh all the time, and you are one of those kids who can carry on conversations with anyone–adults included.   I don’t think I could do that as well as you when I was seven.  You could talk the ear off of a woman in Kroger about different kinds of bread and why you like and dislike them.  I’m pretty sure I would have ran from a woman in Kroger trying to discuss bread with me at age seven.  Hell, I’d probably run from her right now. Who wants to chat it up with a stranger about bread? Not me, but I swear you’d find a way to make that conversation interesting. 

  That said: You are the best little companion, Allie.  I didn’t have a baby so that I would have company.  But you have become one of the more amazing people with whom I’ve had the pleasure of spending time.  You make me laugh until I cry sometimes.  Truly.  Sometimes you will be carrying on with a fake commercial for a product you invented that usually makes no sense, (I would quote one on here, but I’m sure if someone stole the idea you would be LIVID!  And we all know people on the internet these days are into looting) and I will be sitting on the couch with tears rolling down my face because your words and facial expressions are simply comic gold. Even more hilarious is how in tune you are with the skeezy methods people use to sell things, and you satirically employ them to pawn off your ridiculous products. 

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  Last year was a little hard for you.  You were still dealing with your dad and I not being together.  The changes in your life were coming at you in speeds that a lot of children could not handle, and that a lot of children, you in included, shouldn’t have to handle.  But you stayed happy, and if something bothered you, you would just talk to me about it instead of bottling it up like I may have at your age.

  About you right now:  You smile nonstop.  You see every new situation as an opportunity to explore your world further.  You try new things.  You tell jokes. You sit around and laugh.  You read like a total champ. Most of all, you know how and when to have fun.  You’re such an adventurer and if given a piece of gravel and a wad of used gum covered in ants, you would find some way to turn it into entertainment, which I find amazing, considering you are swimming in mountains of toys. 

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  A few days ago I wanted to share with you how relaxing and fun it is to ride down the road on a sunny day with the windows down and the music cranked up.  We drove and drove until we were lost.  We sang terrible country songs.  We yelled horrible rap songs.  You played air guitar to intense amounts of Theory of a Deadman.  You would periodically yell, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO” out the window. We just enjoyed ourselves.  I hope we never lose the ability to find fun in one another.  Even on the darkest of days, you are like a little lighthouse that I can use to find direction.  

  I don’t know if I tell you enough how much I love that you totally own being you.  You embrace your red hair and talk about how fabulous it is. “People pay thousands of dollars to get their hair this color, mom. Thousands!! And mine. just. is. I was just born this way. Isn’t that great? I saved you so much money.”  My favorite part of that is how convinced you are that I would have willingly forked over dollar bills for you to change your hair color, but that’s a discussion for another day. 

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People talk to you a lot about how pretty you are.  Strangers approach you in stores and tell you.  It’s nearly creepy.  And while I think  you are amazingly beautiful, please never forget that you are also smart, funny, and talented.  You aren’t just a pretty face, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be thankful for yours: But always realize that you are a life force. 

 Along with everything else I’ve mentioned in this letter, I want to make sure that I highlight your willingness and attempts at trying new things.  You will give anything a go.  You take chances, and you try hard until you master your goal.  That’s so admiral, Allie.  I hope you are always like this.  That said,you went ice skating for the first time for your birthday this past Sunday.  You tried until you could skate on your own.  Periodically you would give in and try to hold the rail.  But you had it. When you fell, you just got back up and skated on as if it was no big deal. Mostly because you realize it isn’t. I like that about you girl. 

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Lastly, I want you to know how precious you are to me Allie.  When I was 19 and found out that I was pregnant, I was scared in ways that I hope you never understand (please don’t make a grandma until I’m 50).  How would I raise a child when I was still raising myself? How would anyone well-adjusted come from someone as awkward as me?  But now, at 27, I feel like I know how to mom. I feel like even though we’ve grown together, it has been the best for both of us.  I am so proud to be your mother.  You wake up almost every day happy to be alive and ready to conquer the world, and I am so amazed.  I won’t take credit for this, because I think a large part of your natural awesome is just from you.  You are so special, and I hope that if any fool ever tells you differently, you look them in the eye and laugh.  You know better.

I love you, Allie Raegan. More than anything. Big time love. 

Yours forever, 

    Your Momma

2012: Better not Bitter

4 Jan

Expectations for 2012:

  • Let negative things make me better, rather than bitter.
  • Get back into working out daily.
  • Drink more water. Lots and lots of water. (And possibly less coffee.)
  • Continue striving to be the best mother I can possibly be.
  • Study more.  Study better. …Actually study.
  • Go on a road trip or two.
  • Complete tasks from my list of intended tasks.
  • Be more open with people.
  • Pay attention in all of my classes.
  • Try to be more understanding of frighteningly annoying people.
  • Let people know when/if they upset me, rather than expecting them to know.
  • Spend less time complaining and more time putting effort toward what I’m complaining about.

 

Enough of that,  do you Pinterest?  I do. http://pinterest.com/amandabhill/

Heels& Gloss

2 Jan

I got Allie some rocking high heels for Christmas.  They were mostly for wearing around the house, since she is six and all.  No need to break out the heels in public yet.  Only my plan backfired, which is, of course, nothing new.   Anyway, girlfriend’s been wearing her heels every she goes.  To her grandma’s house.  To the grocery store with lipgloss and her purse.  Anywhere she can go, she rocks the heels with leggings and/or skinny jeans.   Needless to say, that shit is not genetic.

I can’t ever say enough about how glad I am that she is mine. Still, the fight to wear them to school in the morning should be interesting.

And we begin again.

26 Dec

I decided to start writing again.  Almost out of a nagging necessity to record the mundane details of my life in a way that I could remember them.  Mostly, it was because the past couple of months, my life has finally started to make sense again.  I feel organized.  I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is actually closer.  Most of all, I just feel happy.

I try to think of when writing went downhill for me, when it starting feeling like more of an obligation than something I did for fun.  I’m pretty sure it was immediately after I started doing it as a source of income.  Or maybe it was when the details of my life that made it sunny started falling apart.   That said, I haven’t made a lot of decisions about this blog.  I don’t know how much about my personal life I will share.  I don’t know much of anything.  But I do know that the past couple months, I’ve felt the need to write in a way that I haven’t felt in almost two years.

My name is Amanda, by the way.  I’m really just assuming that anyone that clicked to read this knew that to begin with.  But yes,  my name is Amanda.  I used to have a blog called Shamelessly Sassy.  However, I’m not into paying thousands of dollars to get the domain back.  So Shameless Sass will have to do for now.    Anyway, updates if you do know me:

  • Allie is now in first grade! She’s doing so great.  She’s so smart, funny, and beautiful. Sometimes I just want to go all Rapunzel on her and put her up in a tower away from the harsh yet amazing world. Then go sing to her like the crazy bitch from Tangled in hopes that I’ll look younger.   But truly, Allie’s just such a good kid.   She’s thoughtful and sweet.  She’s only lost two of her teeth, the bottom front ones.  She has a sassy mouth. I just love everything about her.  I truly couldn’t be happier she is mine , even on the days  when she gives me a run for my money (most of them).

  • (Yes!! If you remember Gary, Allie’s girl water baby with a boy name, she is still in the picture.  And no! Allie doesn’t need the ace bandage.  She is using it as a homemade baby carrier.
  • I’m in PA school right now.  It’s fun and challenging, yet I’m completely happy with it.  It just feels like I’ve found my purpose, which is amazing!
  • I’ve rediscovered my optimism.  I can’t really tell you when or how.  I have many ideas about what gears turned in my brain to make me happy again, but since I can’t nail down the secret to the return of optimism or faith in life itself, I don’t want to hand out advice.  All I can say is that I hope everyone has it or finds it.  It’s just pleasant.  I’m happier in my life than I’ve ever been.
  • If you read my blog before it ended,  you probably know that my husband Adam and I separated before I quit writing.  We never got back together.  I think we both do our best to make sure that Allie leads a happy life , and she is our main concern, individually.  This is the last time I’ll mention him here, because his life is his.  He deserves privacy, even on the days when I’d like to scream.
  • I still like a lot of quirky things.  I still find humor in the strangest (and sometimes inappropriate) places.  I’m still me, is what I’m saying.  I guess I’ve aged, much to my chagrin, but aside from that, I still try to keep it real.
  • Anyway, if you’re reading this, and you’ve read me before, I truly hope you are doing well.  I’ve thought all the time about how much I missed hearing from the people that used to leave comments and send me emails.  I’ve greatly missed the support, the advice, the laughs, the confessions.  I’ve missed almost everything.  Except trolls.  Nobody misses them.  Do you all even still call them trolls?
  • I hope you all had a great Christmas or whatever it is you choose to do!!
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